It’s Not All About Me


Despite the age-old saying, individuals everywhere still have a hard time realizing that it’s not all about them. Robin Dreeke uses his research and years of work in the field of interpersonal relations and behavior to help readers focus on building relationships with others.

The Rabbit Hole is written by Blas Moros. To support, sign up for the newsletter, become a patron, and/or join The Latticework. Original Design by Thilo Konzok.

Key Takeaways

  1. Regardless of your individual goals, the key is to make it “all about them.”
  2. For this reason, the first step in the process of developing great rapport and having great conversations is letting the other person know that there is an end in sight, and it is really close.
  3. An accommodating handshake is one that matches the strength of the other, and also takes more of a palm up angle.
  4. When individuals speak slowly and clearly, they tend to sound more credible than those who speak quickly.
  5. I have personally found that there is no greater theme and tool for eliciting individuals for action, information, and a great conversation than the use of sympathy or assistance. Think for a moment about the times in your life when you have either sought assistance or been asked to provide it. When the request is simple, of limited duration, and non-threatening, we are more inclined to accommodate the request.
  6. True validation coupled with ego suspension means that you have no story to offer, that you are there simply to hear theirs.
  7. I have found one of the most effective methods for getting individuals to do what I want them to do is to have them come up with my idea then I validate their idea.
  8. A key step to strengthening the emotional connection in any relationship is to anchor or solidify the relationship with “how, when, and why” questions.
  9. Technique 8: Connect With Quid Pro Quo   Sometimes you have to give to get. Quid pro quo refers to the art of giving a little information about yourself to get a little from others. Out of all of the techniques, this one is the most subtle and if all of the others techniques are working effectively, might not be used at all.
  10. Technique 9: Gift Giving (Reciprocal Altruism)   Most people would feel badly if they received a gift and forgot to say or send a thank you note to the giver.  When someone does you a favor you most likely want to reciprocate with gratitude. Great rapport builders and conversationalists use this desire proactively during every conversation. This technique, coupled with ego suspension, are the cornerstones for building great relationships.
  11. The best gifts are the unexpected ones.
  12. Putting it all together: Let’s go through the ten techniques to refresh our memories. This is also a good page to mark so that you can refer to it quickly before any encounter to sharpen your focus. 

1. Establishing artificial time constraints: Allow the person being targeted to feel that there is an end in sight. 

2.Accommodating nonverbals: Ensure that both your body language as well as your voice is non-threatening.

3.Slower rate of speech: Don’t oversell and talk too fast. You lose credibility quickly and come on too strong and threatening.

4. Sympathy or assistance theme: Human beings are genetically coded to provide assistance and help. It also appeals to their ego that they may know more than you. 

5. Ego suspension: Most likely the hardest technique but without a doubt the most effective. Don’t build yourself up, build someone else up and you will have strong rapport.

6. Validate others: Human beings crave being connected and accepted. Validation feeds this need and few give it. Be the great validator and have instant, great rapport. 

7.Ask… How? When? Why? : When you want to dig deep and make a connection, there is no better or safer way than asking these questions. They will tell you what they are willing to talk about.

 8.Connect with quid pro quo: Some people are just more guarded than others. Allow them to feel comfortable by giving a little about you. Don’t overdo it. 

9.Gift giving (reciprocal altruism): Human beings are genetically coded to reciprocate gifts given. Give a gift, either intangible or material, and seek a conversation and rapport in return.

10.  Managing expectations: Avoid both disappointment as well as the look of a bad salesman by ensuring that your methods are focused on benefitting the targeted individual and not you. Ultimately you will win, but your mindset needs to focus on them.

13. The only goal I have either for myself or the individuals I teach is that in every interaction the other person should walk away feeling much better for having met you.

What I got out of it

  1. Healthy relationships are a key ingredient to a happy life.  This book gave me tools backed by research on how to continue to grow meaningful ones. 

In the Latticework, we've distilled, curated, and interconnected the 750+book summaries from The Rabbit Hole. If you're looking to make the ideas from these books actionable in your day-to-day life and join a global tribe of lifelong learners, you'll love The Latticework. Join us today.